Five minutes later you're perched on the roof, just above the attic window you crawled out of. You're holding a rifle and staring out at the wide open country on all sides, watching for zombies.

If someone had asked you, when you left work today, what you were going to be doing later tonight, this would have been pretty fucking far down the list of possibilities.

Hours pass. Your adjusted eyes can see for miles in the moonlight. You see the occasional shadow slipping by, way out in the night, but nothing comes close.

Then you hear a commotion downstairs. Maybe Virgil and his idiot kid are wrastlin' in the kitchen.

Suddenly you hear Emily's voice crying out in fear.

You slide back down to the window, slip inside and sprint downstairs.

You find Virgil and Lonnie in the kitchen, alright... shoving Emily naked into the fucking hog-fryer.

"It ain't what it looks like," Virgil says. Then he rethinks it. "Well, actually it's pretty much exactly what it looks like. But what the fuck you goin' do about it? Goin' shoot Lonnie and me both?"

You respond by shooting Lonnie and him both, right through their sauce-pan-shaped heads. They drop like buffalo carcasses on the shitty linoleum.

You hold your hand out to Emily and help her out of the hog-fryer. She clings to you, quietly sobbing.

Wow, this is about as cool as you've ever felt in your life. It's almost worth having the world end in a zombie apocalypse, just to have experienced this. Shit, it's totally worth it.

And you both live happily for probably a few days after.


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